Not Your God
by mirai aria
Summary: Ryuichi stays up one night to think about his relationship with Tatsuha and finds out just how... complex it is. [TatsuhaxRyuichi] [oneshot]


Disclaimer : The song '_Not Your God' _and _Gravitation_ does not belong to me – they belong to _Chihiro Onitsuka_ and _Maki Murakami-sensei _respectively.

A/N: It's 5:02 am as I write this. Can't write anything else with this song constantly playing in my mind. I was just listening to Chihiro Onitsuka's lovely voice when I thought "Hey, this sorta fits Ryuichi…" so here it is. Gah. It's late, but I think I shall stay up a little bit longer in hopes that plot bunnies will come hopping into my brain any moment now…

Not Your God

__

"So little birds 

Deep green wood"

I watched him as he slept, black hair falling gently over his lidded eyes, damp and heavy, the beads of sweat in its strands glistening in the moonlight flowing from the only open window of our room. When he sleeps and I watch him like this…that's when I wonder. When he is at peace like this, when his chest rises and falls in silence and pure calm, that's when I let the adult in me free to think and to ponder what's going on between us.

"Not spoiled water 

Sound of moon" 

Tatsuha and I… whatever's between us is… indescribable, I suppose? I let him move into my apartment months ago and we've been sleeping together for just as long, but I don't think you can really call what goes on between the two of us a 'relationship'. Maybe… I was just lonely, you know? When I think about it like this, I get confused too. I don't know what came over me. I don't understand it, really. I should have been wiser, thought that's a bit hard, no? I've always been… immature, childish, unrealistic – maybe those traits are what drove me to…. this. He's just a fan… just a fan. Shuichi told me that and I understood fully. Still, though, that knowledge in mind did not stop me from allowing _this_. 

And they thought Shuichi and Yuki's relationship was screwed up.

Shuichi worships the very ground Yuki (and I) walk on… but he adores Yuki as a lover would to his loved one. Not like Tatsuha who worships me, basically calls me God, for my career. It's weird, being referred to as God, but it's just one of those little, tiny surprises that came with the 'fame and success' package. Sometimes, I think, I wonder when he'll get tired of this God and move on. He's a fan; he always was and… always will be? 

I should have known better, ne? I'm being idiotic… but… but…

…I think I like him.

__

"I'm not your God

I'm not your hero"

I'd always been lonely, never quiet fitting into the norm. People liked me though, don't get me wrong. That didn't change the fact that I was different though. Too childish. Too immature. I never grew up, I'd always been alone, even in the midst of people. Always been alone – maybe that's why when I saw just how badly you wanted to be with me, to have me, I decided to just play along with it. To see what you're capable of, to see how long you would last. See, I'm not as retarded as some people would like to think of me as. 

So, I knew. But… I grew to like you. Something about the way you would make such a fuss over a small, unimportant thing, over me. Something about the way you were mature for your age and… immature at the same time. Kinda like me – but different, better. Another half? Maybe. 

But the question is : Do you like me, Tatsuha? 

You _can't_ possibly love God _that_ way.

I heaved a sigh and rolled over to my back, tilting my head sideways so I could get a good look at you and your absolutely beautiful sleeping form. I stretched a hand out and let my fingers brush those strands of raven hair away from your eyes, all the while deliberately making sure my fingers touched as much skin as it could in the process. It's amazing, how close you are, how… you're here. Not anywhere, not there, not in another room or at the other end of the room, that chair, beside Shuichi…..

I used to wonder if I'd ever be able to touch someone like this. It's always been music that mattered, you know? That came first… Singing was _love_, better than sex could ever be – that was my belief before you… came and took me into your arms and made me feel things I'd never though I would ever feel… 

And you're just a fan. 

__

"I'm not your Messiah 

Don't break my heart" 

Can I kiss you? I wondered just that as I pressed my thumb softly onto your lips. Would you like that? It made me wonder how long this would last. I don't want it to end, you know? It's… scary. I don't think I can return to life before this. You see, before you came, Tatsuha, life has always been….

…. Music – in the morning, in the evening. Kumagorou. You'd never believe what went on in my mind everyday. Childish dreams, fantasies… I never let myself think like this, you know? Because… just because I always get depressed. I've never had… never had anyone like you, you know? When Tohma finally realized the pursuit of Eiri's heart was hopeless, I thought I had a chance – did I ever tell you I liked him? – but he married Mika and that was that. 

Life… has always been…. uneventful, boring, monotonous, torturous…. 

Do fans know that? 

I suppose not.

You told me I saved you. How did I save you and from what? 

You moaned in your sleep and I, upon instinct, took my hand back, held it to my chest as if I'd just been burned. Or maybe I was – you said my name. It hurts. It hurts so bad. Why were you calling for me? Makes me wonder about what you're dreaming about…. 

"I'm not your God 

I'm not twinkle princess

I'm not your angel 

Don't confuse me"

Do you love me? Do you like me? Like is enough – I can settle for that! Or… or… is it just a fleeting dream? Just a simple fantasy-turned-reality, thanks to some lonely idol; namely me? I don't know. Don't know anything. Never knew anything. Why's everything so hard this way? Maybe all those years of refusal to grow up is finally taking its toll. I can't understand this. I can't understand anything. Adults would. Tohma would. Noriko would. 

I can't. 

I could ask Tohma – but what would he _say_ if he finds out I'm sleeping with his brother-in-law? The younger of the two to boot… He would know the answer. Maybe I know the answer; just too dumb and stubborn to accept it.

Just a fan. He's just a fan. I'm an idol, I'm his God…

Ryuichi ought to beat it up his small head that Tatsuha is just a fan. Just a fan. Just a fan. Ryuichi is dumb. I sighed before sitting up and looking out of the window. 

"Ryuichi is an idiot." I whispered softly as I buried my hands into my face. "I'm so confused…." I added and felt something moist at the edges of my eyes. 

__

"I'm not your God

I'm not your hero 

I'm not your Messiah 

Don't break my heart 

I'm not your God 

I'm not twinkle princess 

I'm not your angel 

Don't confuse me"


End file.
